We never know what impacts us until we unpack it.

How much have we allowed a simple question to cause us concern? Or a simple answer – or LACK of an answer to hurt us? Maybe the lack of a pat on the back…..

Oh, the assumptions we make……….

Our lives are constantly being shaped by instances of interaction with others that go unquestioned and/or misunderstood. Sometimes those assumptions live within us for years and affect our decisions and become part of the fabric of our being and, YET, the basis of those beliefs are actually lies, or misunderstandings about ourselves or others.

Years ago, my children had just graduated from grade school, their beloved home of the past 6 years, where the teachers were like friends (for the most part ;)) and the building was like home. After 6 years of monkey bars and swings at each recess, the playground knew them intimately. The art projects that adorned the walls ignited memories and each room in the building spoke a chapter of their life.

Until THE DAY.

THE DAY that will live in infamy, as far as I’m concerned.

It was THE DAY that altered their life in a big way, because it opened up thoughts in their minds that they couldn’t exactly process and that felt very inconsistent with the past 6 years. It was THE DAY they returned to grade school as big, bold, confident (sort of) 7th graders, hoping to visit old teachers in the late afterschool hours with some other 7th grade girls. Their teachers had asked them to come back, to share their new experiences and to reconnect.

But THE DAY turned quickly from the smiles. As they happily bounded into the front hall, they were hushed by the school secretary and told that they must wait on the front bench until a teacher was available to see them. They were no longer allowed to linger in the hallways and wander through the classrooms. Their “home” wasn’t “home” anymore. They were “visitors!”

THAT DAY changed them. No longer beloved, they were now suspicious characters, possibly coming back to loiter and do harm? Hardly, in this case, but some middle schoolers had done just that before, and it had soured the experience for all of the others, according to the secretary.

Instead of feeling loved, this group of sweet girls felt judged. They were not welcomed, and they questioned how such a place could change so quickly. OR, worse, what had changed about THEM that made them no longer welcome?

This type of experience happens to us each day, in reality, however, and we constantly ask ourselves questions to answer WHY?

• The school secretary treats us like terrorists in our own friendly confines of grade school. Are we not worthy of coming back?
• Dad doesn’t cancel his meeting to attend the soccer game. Are we not worthy?
• Mom is late to pick us up from school. Does she not love us?
• The boss berates us for the quality of our work, although we turned it in early, in hopes of getting feedback for making improvements. Why such a lack of confidence?

We begin, at an early age, to make assumptions about ourselves based on the behavior, words and actions of others. Sometimes, we misjudge the reality of what is going on, however, and our insecurities rule.

• Was that secretary mean because we deserved it or was she just following rules?
• Was Mom late because she doesn’t care about us or because she was making dinner?
• Did Dad miss the game because he didn’t care OR because of work he missed last week due to our out-of-town tournament?
• Was the boss’s original deadline changed by someone above him, unbeknownst to you?

What lies are a part of your belief system?

Interestingly, my daughters didn’t remember “THAT DAY” until I reminded them. They reflected that, at 12, they were still feeling like adults tended to “tell you what to do” a lot. So, they didn’t recall taking it personally. However, I will tell you that they NEVER went back to their grade school to visit teachers again. They were affected.

They believed they were not welcome at their old school. They believed that lady didn’t like them. They believed something had changed about themselves. Who knows WHAT they believed, but it WAS NOT that they were loved at that school anymore.

And I changed, too. I hurt for them as I sadly saw their smiles lost. They were 12. I was 38, and it still affected me — negatively.

Now, a little older and a lot wiser, I think I am less impatient and better at accepting how imperfect people can be and how much we can be affected by lies we believe. I have learned to be more mature in my responses.

“Love prospers when fault is forgiven.” – Proverbs 17:9

Don’t let silly things affect you. Understand the perspective of others. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best.

Most people don’t mean to be hurtful….they are doing their job, maybe not as well as they should (or as kindly as they should), but guess what, yesterday morning I was pretty grumpy and selfish. Guess I have bad days, too.

So today is THE DAY that I become more loving and accepting of other’s bad days – and I don’t immediately assume there is something wrong with me.