When we don’t like our outfit in the mirror, we CHANGE our clothes, in hopes of a better look.

When we don’t like the channel we are watching, we CHANGE it, in hopes of a beloved rerun.

Feel overwhelmed? We seek a CHANGE of scenery.

Yet, when a FORCED CHANGE comes our way – the loss of a job, a new school because we get older, our fav place is out of our fav appetizer, our best friend moves to Toronto – what happens?

We usually panic, feel depressed and dwell on negatives. We focus on what WAS and not what COULD BE. We stop dead in our tracks and reminisce about good times, hold on to the past and see no possibilities.

Emptiness. Worry. Anxiety. Self-centered angst. Frustration.

Where is the HOPE FOR THE FUTURE THAT YOU HAD WHEN YOU CHANGED THE CHANNEL or CHANGED YOUR OUTFIT?

Where is that same desire to find something better?

What may explain this phenomenon is the “Learned Helplessness” theory in psychology. We have a tendency to stop trying things when they don’t go well. Psychologists have seen this play out in the animal world. In one study, two fish were separated by a clear wall in a fish tank. The larger fish strived to get to the smaller one, but incessantly hit the clear divider, until it gave up. When the divider was removed, the larger fish was able to swim right up to the smaller fish, but he never tried to harm him. He had long ago given up.

In humans, this looks like:

a boy who is rejected when asking a girl on a date and, therefore, he hesitates to ask again.
a wife who feels criticized for her cooking in early marriage and never wants to cook again.
a student who struggles on a few math tests and defines himself as a “horrible math student” forever.
So, by this theory, if you don’t get a call back after a job interview, do you stop trying to find a job altogether?

Hardly!! There could be a zillion reasons things didn’t go your way and how you look at the problem is under your control – and it’s your responsibility.

Your explanatory style must be positive:

“She didn’t want to go out with me but maybe she was just too busy.”

vs.

“She thinks I’m an idiot.”

“I think I was a perfect fit for that job, so I’m surprised, but I’m glad I had the chance to have that interview to begin to understand how to communicate my own strengths.”

vs.

“I am never going to get a job. No one is hiring.”

And your explanatory style should focus on items within your control:

• I want to learn how to cook better anyway, so I will take some classes.
• I failed that math test, but honestly, I didn’t really try to learn the material. I’ll have to study more next time.

Learned helplessness can be induced in 5 minutes time, by one failure or harsh word, but it can affect our choices, our attitudes and our successes for a lifetime.

Remember when no one thought anyone could run a mile under 4 minutes?

Will you limit yourself by your past failures or look at failures as lessons?

Change = Opportunity

Opportunity knocks all the time in life…. And sometimes it knocks us down, too.

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills.

– Chinese Proverb