It was 30 years ago that I made the decision to quit.

But unlike some “quit” decisions, this one has haunted me for years. A proud moment it wasn’t.

I decided that the challenge that was ahead of me in my sport was too daunting to tackle. I was tired of “defending” myself, “defending” titles I had won in the past, “defending” rankings I had reached. I was tired of the pressure to beat, again, anyone I had previously beaten.

I saw my options for the next year as:

#1.    Achieve at the same level — or better — again.       

OR

#2   Fail.

No other option was available to me. Until now. NOW, I see the option I never saw before.

Option #3: Accept and enjoy the challenge of competition without focus on the outcome.

My revelation:

I DIDN’T NEED TO BE – NOR SHOULD I BE — DEFINED BY MY RESULTS!!!!!

At the time I made this momentous and uninformed decision, was living with a “FIXED MINDSET.” This mindset is opposed to the “GROWTH MINDSET” that I will happily tell you I live with today.

Today I say: Bring on the challenge!!! Bring on the competition. Bring on the opportunity, and I will give full effort while not living with the fear of failure. I will be proud of myself for giving effort. Period. End of story. I will define success as “giving my all,” regardless of the outcome.

Thirty years ago I said: Any match is a possible “loss”, so to play is to fret, sweat and agonize through it, afraid that any outcome less than victory meant I was less of a person/less of a player/less of an athlete/less of a competitor……well, you get it.

Losing was agony and something to be avoided at all cost. Matches weren’t played for the sake of playing; they were played for the sake of “saving face.” (and, ironically, it was “saving face” in light of my own ego ONLY — now that my less-self-centered “self” knows that everyone else wasn’t as obsessed about all of this as I was).

Recently, Carol Dweck’s book Mindset, The New Psychology of Success helped me see that the FIXED MINDSET I lived with as a child didn’t just limit me in my sport.

In my quest for straight A’s, I chose NOT to take classes where the teacher was known to be a “difficult A.” I avoided the final test in lifesaving class, because I feared I would fail. And If I did fail, at anything, I often placed blame on someone or something so as not to have to accept full responsibility. My setbacks labeled me just as I believed that my grade card, my list of honor society memberships or my elected titles determined my worth. All are elements of living with a FIXED MINDSET.

Now, I have realized a joy in the fight, the competition, the challenges of life. I understand and embrace the benefits of losing and working hard to do better the next time. I now see all that I may have missed by being so stressed out as a young athlete. I had exceptional talent, so my results aren’t too shabby but they could have been far greater and, back then, I really didn’t know how to remedy the problem – a problem I created for myself. (Back then, I’m also sure I blamed this problem on someone else, too, by the way.).

So, 30 years ago, I quit competing, took the QUIT option to avoid options 1 or 2, and bowed to the pressure of not wanting to live with the label of being a “failure.” Oh, I wish I had heard about Option #3….

So when one of my grown daughters recently told me “Mom, you didn’t really model failure very well,” I was quite amazed at her wisdom and quite sure she was right.

I didn’t model failure well in the past, but I do now. I strive to love the battle, enjoy the challenge, learn from adversity and model that life does not always go our way, but if we take on the challenges with character and effort, we always win, despite any outcomes.

Benjamin Barber, sociologist:

“I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures…I divide the world into the learners and non-learners.”

“In the fixed mindset, you don’t take control of your abilities and your motivation. You look for your talent to carry you through, and when it doesn’t, well then, what else could you have done? You are not a work in progress, you’re a finished project. And finished products have to protect themselves, lament and blame. Everything but take charge.”